I'm always quick to give it. Now I need some back.
If you're a regular visitor to my blog you know I'm not one for 'long posts'....but today is going to be one of those long posts, know up front that I appreciate you hanging in there!! xo!
I find myself this morning at a very 'cosmic' place, for lack of a better word. It's as if all my thoughts, concerns, and fears have molded together in my mind and brought me here. It's not a good cosmic place-I'm not comfortable in it.
The best way to tell you about this is to go back a couple of days. On Thursday of this week, two teens (17 & 16) were killed in a car accident about an hour or so north of our home. Speed.
They were speeding on a highway, tried to divert lanes and lost control. The male driver (17) was thrown from the vehicle, the female passenger (16) was dead and trapped in the car for hours. They had just left school, her parents believed she was riding the bus home. I didn't know these two teens, but the story left me in tears, literally.
I spent my day in melonchally. I just couldn't shake the whole story and the pictures of it. Most of you know I have a 17 year old daughter-Hannah- who's been driving for about 6 months now and like alot of parents at this time of life, well-I pray alot.
Hannah is not one to make bad decisions. She makes me so proud all of the time I have to pinch myself. She's about a straight A student with realistic goals in life. She is always quick to dismiss herself from the 'wrong crowd' and I so admire this. Pretty much an all-around perfect child. Lucky mom huh? I think so too.
Yesterday, my dear friend PJ did a wonderful post about being a 'good mom'. If you haven't seen it you should go check it out....very thought provoking. I loved it because it so spoke to me, it's one of my favorite subjects. I commented about how being a good mom to me was about always being dilligent at it...be quick to learn from your mistakes and keep at it.
Okay...now to last night. I let Hannah go with a friends family to a Halloween haunted house- almost 2 hours north of us. I knew this meant she'd be home late, driving later at night than I ever let her before (illegal mind you) but I let her go. I didn't like it but it was one of those very few times I conceded. Big mistake, mom. Here comes the icky part of my story...at 1:30 am this morning I got a call from a State Trooper. He had just pulled Hannah over for speeding, he was very concerned, and rightly so...85mph in a 50mph zone. I was-am still devastated. I thanked him for what I believe was an act of 'saving my daughters life'. I've barely slept since.
I realize that some of you reading this have children that are older and grown, and have been through this in one way or another, and maybe think, well....'it's part of growing up, for parent and child-it will be okay.' I think that too, after all, my son is 22 and we did the speeding ticket thing with him and got through it...part of life. But for some reason...this feels different.
I feel lost, like I don't even know how to handle it this time, mostly because it was so out of character for her and so against all I've tried to instill in her. After all, like I wrote in PJ's comments, I believe that children live what they are taught. So which lesson did this teacher miss? Which chapter did I skip over? 85 in a 50 remember. How do I even approach this? If I missed that chapter -and didn't even know it- what else did I miss???
It is likely that she will lose her license...what judge in his right mind, two weeks from now and in light of the recent teenage speeding accident involving teens-is not going to take her license? I told her last night this was possible, and I won't be pleading for her in any way shape or form, under any circumstances. It goes against everything I believe to stand up for a child who was wrong in their actions. She's pretty devastated. I ended it with ...Hannah, I love you more than you know, and when we are in court on Nov 16th, I'll be thanking God that I'm only in court and not at the cemetary.
That is what the judge will do I'm pretty sure-what I am unsure of is what I should do. Do I let her drive from now till then-at all? Do I take the keys, make her take the school bus to school, which will devastate her? Do I ground her? I've never had to ground her before. Is what I'm pretty sure the court will do punishment enough? Or is this one of the areas parents must be the really bad guy, which amounts to ruining her junior year in highschool, at least in her eyes. I have to decide what to do-at least until the Nov 16th court date, at which time someone else will decide.
I'm honestly lost on this...and your thoughts will be so appreciated-I don't want to miss any more chapters.